Jeff's 3 Least Favourite D&D Classes

We all love role-play here, and just get positively tickled when presented with copious opportunities to inhabit different souls in the D&D realm. In an RPG with an endless array of classes, sub-classes, character traits, and personality quirks, you can cast yourself as just about any character in the story of your life.

But while enthusiasm is typically a boisterous ally, it can sometimes lead one astray. A grin slides across your face when you think you’ve crafted a legendary hero or villain only to be soberly softened upon discovering your character sucks. Whether it is something you are just not interested in playing or you don't have the time and patience to figure them out properly there just something wrong about them! With a sharp contrast to the classes that I think you should always play use the following to avoid leaving those poor characters with their arcs unfulfilled and allow my prophesied return to the blog to cast light on which classes may be best left on Frankenstein’s table.

Cleric

Now lets be real, everyone needs a little TLC from time to time. But when TLC is all you 're giving out, you start to straddle a fine line between being a healer and a slave. No one can deny that Clerics are useful, but for a novice lacking the depth of creative RPG experience, the cleric’s trajectory in any party is typically this: Hang back like a little bitch until your teammates get a boo boo, and then hand out sesame street themed band-aids en masse... Just riveting game play folks. Now there are other spells that clerics can perform, but then why wouldn’t you just be a wizard?

The other major dichotomy facing healers is somewhat philosophical: If your party gets injured they’re gonna expect you to heal them, but what if your character doesn’t want to? It stands to reason that if Donald Trump was rolled into a county hospital ER with a gunshot wound, and the surgeons had the choice to operate or not, 7/10 would fill his IV with arsenic. But in an RPG that already has enough difficulty keeping parties together (whether that is due to alignment or goals), it’s doubtful these kind of altruistic shenanigans would fly if not accompanied by some hardcore DMing. So if you’re thinking of playing a Cleric but don’t feel like suffering at the mercy of your crew’s narcissistic entitlement complex, maybe consider healing your sick sense of what having fun is first.

Paladin

Ever wonder why the d-d at the party rarely gets the girl? I mean sure they provide a safe ride off into the night, but it’s in the backseat where everyone else is indulging in all the intrigue. Welcome to the virginal life of playing a Paladin. If you always make sure to drink your milk before narcing on your neighbour, this class is right for you.


Remember that one kid in your school who was a top honours student, involved with EVERY club and committee, and lip synched a Celine Dion song at the school assembly before dedicating it to the principal? Yeah that person’s first D & D character would absolutely be a Paladin. Seeing a trend yet? Let’s just say Paladins are that annoying little gnat in your hen house that must always have their nose up something brown. Upholding the law to the purest extent is their raison d’être, meaning they have virtually zero chemistry with any other even remotely cool or edgy character in the party.

In JADE’s impossible campaign when Elijah’s Paladin rushed in the dark chamber first to confront the skeleton, and before anyone had time to react Toodles rifled a fireball just decimating the two, it was definitely killing two birds with one stone. It was Toodles' crowning achievement. Now while subsequent versions of D &D have allowed Paladin’s to be played from different angles such as having a vengeance quest, etc, for this gamer, the damage has been done.

Fighter

Whack, whack, whack. Whack, whack, whack, whack, whack. Whack, Whack, Whack…I could literally keep going and that about sums up playing a fighter class in D&D. Could it be anymore boring than being the party’s meat sack, and just rolling attack dice one after the other in an endless facade of quasi-importance. Yes I see that you beefed up your long-sword and increased the amount of damage Bam-Bam, but... is that all you do? Where is your brain? Look Bam Bam, now you drooling everywhere. Bam-Bam you’re a mess.

Look, the first couple times one steps into these hidden worlds of fantasy, it’s only natural to want to explore the game’s various combat mechanics through battling it’s enemies. But if you make an entire D&D career out of just hitting things like a lobotomized gorilla, you lose out on exploring the depths of so many rich realms of magic and intrigue.

So that’s it. If this little ditty offended your pride in any way, I just want to say, I’m glad. Picture me close to your face with a straw, gently sipping on your tears, as they are the nectar of life that keeps the pep in my step each day.

For real though, and at the very least, I hope this has stirred a call to action for those that play the above-mentioned classes: Find new and more creative ways to add to the dynamic of your party. And please, let us know your take on all of our pretentious claims here. The fate of the world depends on it. (Correction: The fate of the world does not actually depend it)

So, what will your character be?


Written by: Jeff Clive

Image Sources:
Paladin - http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wiki/Paladin

Fighter - http://dungeonsdragons.wikia.com/wiki/Fighter

Cleric - http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wiki/Cleric

1st Ed Races - https://panzerleader.wordpress.com/2012/01/28/the-iconic-characters-of-first-edition-add-players-handbook/